Screen time, ADHD, and the monster within
Kids with ADHD can readily become addicted to screen time (it’s been said ADHD leads to a likelihood of being addicted to things – which makes sense: we seek intensity, as fast as we can get it).
I’m often asked if it’s okay to use screen time / iPads etc as rewards or to give us a break from the intensity of our KIDS. As the parent, this is your decision… and there’s no wrong answer.
I would give these guidelines:
1. Be objective and reasonable, taking account of your emotional capacity and other demands at the time. Do not be idealistic.
2. Use appropriate parental control limits. Ideally also screen time limits, which I encourage you to stick to as much as you can.
2a. In case you don’t know yet, sticking to limits can be very, very, very tough with ADHD kids. Always phrase your limit wording to give you a way out and make clear you’re the boss, eg “Up to 30 minutes a day, when I say so, unless I choose to make an exception.”))
3. If your kid is ‘monstrously’ behaved after, eg shouty, rude, etc – or even wet themselves because they didn’t stop to go to the toilet… this isn’t unusual for a kid with ADHD. They do have a ‘monster’ within – it’s a monstrous amount of energy and impulsiveness. There’s good news: they can (often gradually) learn habits to direct those huge reservoirs of power more constructively.
Having said that, it’s still often unpleasant after screen time. We found sub-15 minutes of screen time to be ok; after that the ‘monster’ was unleashed.
Perhaps the solution is to give it in chunks of 12 minutes?
In the meantime, pay attention to guideline 4:
4. Have someone you can lean on / call on when it’s getting a bit much. It can be me, your friend, sometimes even a therapist or colleague. Call on them BEFORE it becomes too much.
4a. Be judicious in leaning on a partner, because they’re often with you in the ADHD maelstrom, and may also need an outlet.
4b. You’ll get there and it’s not always easy. I assure you, you’re already doing far more, and being far more, loving than most parents ever realise humans have the capacity to be. (It’s ok if you don’t see this. When you’re in the middle of a storm, it’s hard to see how well you’re doing.)
Therapy pets (not sure about cats though)
We love our dog. I grew up with dogs. Animals can provide a sense of safety, and it seems to me that the more calm, loving and large they are, the better.
So if you have the capacities for it, equine therapy, and / or having a dog, and even regularly helping with dogs (eg at the SPCA) can be great for helping with anxiety and depression (which ongoing negative can give rise to… and which people with ADHD often get)
I’m not able to comment on the suitability of cats and guinea pigs for giving clear indications of appreciation and / or unconditional love. YMMV…but I love all animals!
The road is long, with many a winding turn…
Working through ADHD is an interesting journey. If you’re an adult with ADHD, it can be enormously interesting and very fast – much faster than many therapies will work – because you’re able to make small tweaks that add up daily to cause large changes in direction.
Children have more limited capacity to make those tweaks, and so it can take a long time to inculcate the changes in our kids with ADHD. Often, the easiest route is for us to change our behaviours to role model the right way to think, speak, and act, and let it be absorbed by them seeing us live it. That can take weeks if we’re lucky, months in many other cases.
Each family is unique, and what works at one time will not work so well as they grow beyond it. In my parent /teacher training course, we give over 40 different techniques – so quite a toolbox – but we never advocate applying more than 2 or 3 at a time.
Know your capacity, choose something to try that fits with it, and run with it. Don’t be afraid to change tools if something isn’t working, or you feel something else will be better.
And be as consistent as you can in applying your very few chosen tools. I nudge my clients so they are reminded almost daily about this, and they find it very helpful. But you don’t need me if you’ve got a buddy or even a family member who’ll do it for you.
(All of my clients have said that they prefer my nudges. For some, their friends and family members don’t understand the need, and are disparaging. For others, their buddy system is inconsistent in supporting their consistency (that wording tickles my ADHD sense of humour). For my part, I get it, and I’m gratified to be able to help, and in whatever way I can, I will.)
More love and more calm in the family
ADHD is a source of energy, enthusiasm, and a desire to be connected. It’s a firehose under normal conditions, a volcano under excited conditions… and a super-spray when it’s calm.
That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, and family members living around ADHD face a lot of intensity. Some people find that medication really tones that down. Others don’t…
I firmly believe that ADHD kids and adults are hugely loving, and want to be loved. (Having ADHD is like having a life that is an epic fairytale… except you’re both the hero and unwilling archvillain.)
When we develop the habits that better control our impulses and filter our words, we find we are taken very seriously and can give other people the space they need to be really good versions of themselves.
And that results in calmer families where the love is more easily shown and accepted.
Books and other things – rated
Below are lists of some resources I’ve come across, and how much I used them, if at all. See below for how my ratings work.
Factors used when I rate things
This is my subjective view – your experience with these resources may very well be different!
- Does the blurb interest me?
- How much does it cost? Do the reviews seem genuine?
- Is it relevant to me or people I care about?
- How regularly will I use it in a normal month?
- Has it been used by anyone I know personally?
- Is it produced or written by someone with direct lived experience? (I value that significantly more than academic credentials and qualifications)
- BOOK: What Happy People Know, by Dan Baker PhD and Cameron Stauth.
Read it through. Still open in often. One of the best books for uplifting oneself. Have bought several copies and given away all but one.
- BOOK: The Five Minute Journal.
Used it (almost consistently!), found it very useful. Never found the other similar journals worked as well for me. Price has gone up a lot recently, but still worth it. Intro was quite useful too, but I had to push myself to read it through.
- PEOPLE: Conversations with other people. Especially those who have made progress in dealing with similar stuff.
Highly rated. More so than almost anything else.
- TOOL: Values exercises
These help us identify what matters to us. We can then consider what we do in terms of the values that matter to us. This often leads to a great deal of (surprisingly difficult to accept!) validation, or helpfully points to doing something extra or different, which is aligned with our key values.
- AUTHOR: Ed Hallowell
He has come highly recommended by several people. I’ve not read enough of his work to give my own view, but the recommendations were from people I trust implicitly.
- BOOK: HyperHealing: The Empowered Parent’s Complete Guide to Raising a Healthy Child with ADHD Symptoms, by Avigail Gimpel M.S.
A practical book and an easy read (even if done in small chunks), by someone with successful lived experience. I have met Avigail and she walks her talk. Take what works for you from this book – not all of it may speak to you, but the parts that do will be helpful.
- ACTIVITY: Kickboxing
Most exercises are helpful, but for some reason I know more people with ADHD who do kickboxing than those who don’t. (I also know kids with ADHD whose judo coaches found them too much, so perhaps there’s a cultural element.)
- BOOK: Gravitas by Caroline Groyder.
Couldn’t quite get into it. Overarching impression, in common with many other self-help books, was that it lacked practical steps I could readily apply.
- BOOK: Atomic Habits by James Cleer.
Really like what he espouses, but think a summarised version may work just as well for many.
- PEOPLE: Any expert with no lived experience. Regardless of their qualifications.
Get a second opinion if you have any doubts – I’ve seen kids put on anti-psychotics considered heavy drugs for adults, and adults on 3 anti-depressants… with little effect. After changing the treatment regime per a second opinion, a few clients have seen benefits.
If in doubt, get an independent opinion (from someone with relevant qualifications who can prescribe).
- BOOK: Understanding Girls with ADHD: How They Feel and Why They Do What They Do, by Nadeau, Kathleen, Littman, Ellen, Quinn nut, Patricia
A client recommended this, saying it explained her daughters to her. I read part of it, and found it to be a difficult read, giving me more hopelessness than hope. I had the strong sense that the authors themselves are frustrated at the situation for girls with ADHD, and want their readers to agitate for change, which I agree with.
If you have ADHD or a parent of a child with it, it is a good general rule to avoid people and books that pull you down unless they give very practical, helpful advice and you can bounce back quickly. Otherwise, you may find your energy sapped by them, which won’t help you show up as you want to, for your family and yourself.
- PEOPLE: Family members and friends with no lived experience who are shocked at our kids’ behaviours and tell us off for them.
Or tell us just to discipline them.
Take whatever steps you need to to either educate, or politely distance yourself from, these people. They’re almost always well-meaning, but that doesn’t reduce the damage they do to you or family.
Your success is my success
A headmaster of a school whose parents I work with asked me how I measure my outcomes with clients.
It’s simple. If you’re succeeding, I’m succeeding. If we’re not seeing some form of results within a month, then either I’m not the right coach for you or we’re addressing the wrong areas.
“I appreciate you very much. Am grateful we are connected.“
– Natalia, USA